Five Years Seems Like Yesterday and Forever

by Tim Scifres

Five years ago yesterday was THE day that started my new life, September 9th, 2021. It seems as if that day was an actual lifetime ago while also seeming like it was yesterday. I not only remember, but feel that day…the smells of the hospital room, the phone ringing at 2:30 in the morning where Jess told me she was on the way to the hospital, being out of breath just walking to the bathroom, the incredible nurses who took care of me, the complete lack of appetite, feeling light-headed when I got into a wheel chair to go down to see Jess and Charles, the overwhelming helplessness. That day really seems like yesterday and my entire life at the same time.

I was thinking about my grief journey yesterday and some of the things I have experienced and learned about loss and grief. Here are a few of those lessons that came to my mind yesterday.

**There were a few people who specifically reached out yesterday just to let us know they were thinking of us on a heavy and hard day. Hearing from these people means more than words can describe. The number of people who do reach out has become smaller, but more meaningful.

**My sister did reach out and mentioned that she was talking with one of my nieces and one of my nephews about Charles. One of the most special things in my life are those times someone mentions Charles’ name. It is empowering and touching to hear his name. While you may see some tears when you say his name to me, you most definitely did not just remind me Charles is gone. You didn’t make me sad by mentioning his name, I was already sad. At restaurants I will give my name as Charles just to hear them call that name when my order is ready or my table is ready.

**I can laugh. I can enjoy things. Recently, I have been hooked (really bad pun) on boat ramp failures! I can’t get enough of watching people drive boats who have no business driving boats!! It took a while to not feel a little guilty and to feel like I could relax and laugh without minimizing his loss.

**One part of this journey I was completely ignorant of was not just losing Charles on September 9th, 2021. I lose him in some way every day as I picture him and what he would be doing. I lost him on January 18th (was the plan to be his live birth day). I lost him in Christmas of 2022 when we spent the holiday with my family in OK knowing he would have absolutely been the star of the whole trip. I lost him in 2024 going to the weddings in Florida of 2 of my sisters-in-law and seeing him fit right in with all the cousins and watching his big sisters take care of him. I have already lost him for four birthdays. I lost watching his first steps. I lost him being at the soccer field or the theater to watch his big sisters. I lost having him watch some Sooner football and teaching him to properly sing Boomer Sooner. I lost coming home from work and having him run to me with his arms open wide ready for a huge daddy hug. It is heavy and devastating knowing that tomorrow I will lose him again. (People who wonder why someone hasn’t “moved on” from their grief and gotten back to normal are those who are ignorant of how we are losing them again every day)

Five years, it doesn’t seem like it is possible it has been that long. Five years, it doesn’t seem like it has only been that long as it seems these past five years have been my entire life. Grief is like that. Two seemingly opposite thoughts, feelings, experiences occurring at the same time. Being grateful and devastated at the same time. Being content and angry with these circumstances at the same time. Being ready to laugh and cry from sadness at the same time. Grief is so complex and feels like uneven and unsteady ground. It is so contradictory. However, there has been one thing that is solid, steady, and even ground…Charles, my son, you will always be loved and will never be forgotten. You are in my thoughts every day as I picture what you would have looked like and what you would have been doing each and every day (knowing the real-life you would be so much better than anything I can imagine).