Dreams for a Dad and Son

by Tim Scifres

The journey of my life brought marriage and then children slower than many others. I was 38 when Jess and I got married. I was 40 when Flora was born. This led to most of my friends getting married and starting a family earlier in their lives than I did. As many of my friends started their families, I would get the normal and expected question, “When are you getting married?” I also was asked the questions about children and what I wanted in a family…did I want boys or girls, how many kids do you want, etc…

I ended up with some canned responses for these questions. When are you getting married: when it is the right time and the right person. How many kids do you want: as many as the Lord may give me. Do you want boys or girls: I want ten fingers and ten toes (meaning healthy), nothing else matters. Ultimately, I believe these answers, but life has given me much different perspectives than I could have imagined years ago.

The marriage came about like I thought it would. I met an incredible woman, who actually liked me back. We had a whirlwind of a courtship and got married after a short engagement. It is a pretty incredible story if you want to hear it sometime!

After we got married, the questions about kids grew exponentially in their frequency! My answers stayed the same. I would love every kid I was given. I didn’t care if they were a boy or girl as long as they had ten fingers and ten toes. After about a year it happened…we got pregnant! For both girls we decided to not find out the sex before they were born. Flora came along and most thought she was going to be a girl. Lilyana was three years after that and most were convinced we were having a boy (we even got boy clothes at the baby showers). I was thrilled to be there and see both girls born and to see they were beautiful and healthy baby girls.

Then about eight years later, in the summer of 2021, we found out Jess was once again pregnant. We were having a surprise baby! We decided to find out whether this baby was going to be a boy or a girl as soon as we could. I will never forget some close friends who had the secret and brought over gender reveal confetti cannons with the magical blue or pink colors. Seeing the blue confetti shoot out of that cannon is a memory I will never forget. Everything changed for me in that instant. A new perspective about my desire of having a boy or girl, only being focused on health of the baby. I was having a boy. It came clear to me (not sure why it took so long) that having a girl vs. a boy was just different. Neither was better, both are so exciting, but they are simply different.

My excitement quickly grew during the pregnancy as I embraced the idea of having my boy. I remember how my dad used to call me Pard because I was his partner. There was a time we would go and cut wood together on some cold Saturday mornings. I remember almost getting stuck in the mud driving in and out of the place we were getting the wood and dad telling me the key to not getting stuck is to never stop moving. When you stop, you are stuck. I started envisioning what Charles and I would get into and what my nickname would be for him. All these things I was picturing were going to be special as a father and son.

It is hard to believe we are coming up on five years from that moment the phone rang and Jess told me she was on the way to the hospital. Still today, one of the hardest things for me to deal with is I am unable to forget those special things I pictured Charles and I doing together. I live everyday dealing with the pictures in my head and heart of what my boy and I might be doing today. I see boys that are about the same age Charles would be and can only picture Charles and me in that situation.

As strange as it may sound, shaving was a major struggle for me. I have actually only shaved with a blade once and almost couldn’t finish that. I just use clippers now. That day I tried to shave with shaving cream and a razor, the only thing I could see in the mirror as I was lathering up was my boy with shaving cream on his face while I showed him how to keep the nicks and cuts to a minimum. I also showed him how to put a little piece of toilet paper on a nick to help it stop bleeding. Tricks only a dad could pass along to his son.

Some days are good. Some days are battles. Some days are just sad. I look back and know how that moment the blue confetti flew changed my life forever. I was as thrilled to see the blue confetti as I was to see my precious daughters enter this world, but it was a different excitement. I realized in my heart and head that having a boy was different. Then realizing how much the moment we lost Charles has kept me trapped in my imagination and dreams forever, instead of realizing those days showing him how to shave and a thousand other things a dad should teach his son.

I just have to bite my tongue when I hear people say things like it is time to move on…are you still dealing with that…just have another baby. I am thankful those people don’t understand this type of loss, because if they did understand, they would know, one of the most difficult things with losing a child is you don’t just lose them on the day they die. Those who have lost children, no matter what age their child was, will lose them again every day. You lose a lifetime of unrealized possibilities and dreams for that child.

I am so thankful for that blue confetti, for having a son. Although I only got to hold Charles’ body one precious time after he was already gone, he will always be my little buddy. I will never experience any of the pictures and dreams that run through my head and heart with Charles, but I will also never stop picturing and dreaming what we would be getting into…dreams for a dad and son. My son, Charles, as always, you are never forgotten and always loved.