No Parent Should Know This

by Tim Scifres

Since we lost Charles there has seemingly been an unending list of things that I had no idea about when dealing with the death of a loved one, specifically a child. I have learned that the Lexington Cemetery has Baby Land. This is Section 41 that is for babies and young children. I learned that resources for grieving women are more readily available than resources for grieving men. I learned that is so because men are “supposed” to grieve differently, to stand strong, to move on, etc. I learned I don’t really care how I am “supposed” to grieve, but will honor my son and mourn his loss in the way that I need to mourn. I learned the phone calls and the check-ins become fewer and further between as time passes. I learned I can laugh and enjoy things even with Charles never being far from my mind. I learned that I am going to cry at some point every time I watch my girls perform, whether it is a play, dance, concert, or game.

One of the hardest things I have learned is the process of getting a headstone for Charles. It has been a nearly 5 year process, much of which was me not feeling personally strong enough or ready to get this done. This has seemed like another heavy weight driving home the finality of losing Charles. It is almost like losing him again. Once I was able to face this task, we had to decide what was going to be on the headstone. Thankfully, I got some help from Jess and the girls with ideas for the design. Then came pricing and placing the order. I am forever indebted to my parents who so generously helped this get done much quicker than if it was just us on our own. Did you know it takes months for a headstone to be ready after you order it? I do now! I teach at a school very close to the cemetery, so after I knew the headstone had been completed, I went by several times a week to see if it had been placed. I learned there are multiple steps to preparing the ground and then placing a headstone.

I learned that before the headstone is a marker. For over four years, our Charles has been at marker number 64. I learned that the grass grows over the marker pretty quickly and the small marker will disappear just as quickly if someone isn’t there to pull some grass and wipe off some dirt pretty regularly. We had some stressful moments a couple of times trying to find number 64. Thankfully those days are over and we will be able to easily find our Charles from now on.

Every time I would drive to the cemetery after school I would start to get on edge wondering if that day was the day. After battling the emotions for a few years before even beginning the process. After working through the process of ordering and having the headstone placed, this past week was the day. We had moved from marker 64 to the headstone you see at the top of the page. Honestly, I didn’t know what to feel for a while, but the reality somberly set in after a few moments and this journey became fresh again. I had been taken back to September of 2021 and felt very similar to those first few days. Another thing I have learned after being on this journey for a few years is that freshness still hurts as bad as ever, but it won’t stay raw and fresh for as long as before. The heaviness will become lighter (it never fully leaves but will lighten up at times) and walking through those heavy days will become more manageable quicker than before.

Experiencing great loss has brought many new lessons into my life that have been learned. Some have been easier to receive and accept than others. Some have taken very little time to figure out. Some have seemed more monumental than others. Learning this process and completing this action and getting Charles’ headstone in the ground has been one of the longer lasting and harder lessons for me to process and walk through. I know many people are able to get headstones or find other ways to honor their child earlier than we did. However, I also know the journey of loss and grief is different for each and every person, for each and every family. This has been our journey and I am relieved to have this stone in the ground. While at the same time being relieved, I am also feeling the heaviness of what this headstone represents. I am thankful that we won’t have to search in the grass anymore for marker 64. My biggest hope is that you never have to learn about getting a headstone for your child because no parent should know this.

As always, Charles, my son, you are always loved and never forgotten!!