Inconsistency at it’s Best

by Tim Scifres

If you look at the timeline of my posts on this blog, you will quickly see the connection between the pattern of my writing and the subject of this post. The timing of my posts have been bunched, then crickets, then a post or two close together, then quiet. It has been a true pattern of no pattern! The inconsistency is glaring. I have probably twenty or thirty ideas for posts and things to write about, but I look up from my life and it has been months since I last actually take ideas from my head and put them in writing.

I want to be honest and not paint a picture of strict discipline and consistency in every area of my life before my new life began with the loss of Charles. I am like many people who have started workout routines and thought every one of them was going to be the right mix that got me into great shape (hasn’t happened yet). I have so many books that have been almost read through completely, or have been patiently sitting on a shelf waiting to be opened. In my classroom at school, I have started a couple of decades of classes with the true intent to keep up on grades (although I am getting pretty close to achieving this one). There are too many more examples than I have room to write here. I would imagine you might have even nodded your head thinking of areas in your life marked by inconsistency.

This battle most definitely increased in its intensity for these few years since September of 2021. In my experience, these last few years have shown me that grief and loss is heavy and can be suffocating. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to carry and complete the most simple tasks. It can lead to doing only the bare minimum in making sure the bills are paid and things in life that have to get done somehow get done. There is no room or energy for anything other than the bare minimum. Thankfully, through the passing of time there seems to be more time where that raw heaviness is not so intense and exhausting. There is some relief, some normalcy (although it is always a new normal) where the heaviness is a little lighter and breathing is easier. However, make no mistake, there are times the rawness and heaviness of loss is still as fresh and all-encompassing as those first months.

Looking back, I am seeing that the energy devoted to just being and surviving was so great there was no choice but to live with inconsistency. As humans, we have a limited supply of energy and will use that energy to survive before using it for anything else. I also see how negative thoughts, habits, and patterns seem to be much easier and give the sensation of using much less energy than positive, disciplined, and consistent habits. It is much easier for me to eat too much, not work out, stay up late, lay around mindlessly scrolling on my phone, watch tv… It becomes easier not to write something out than to actually get and just start writing.

There is a meme I have seen on social media a few times that pictures grief and loss as a mass taking up almost an entire inside of a circle that is representing the life of one grieving. The first line of images says people think grief slowly begins to shrink over time. There is a series of pictures showing the circle staying the same as the mass of grief shrinks within the circle. The second line of images says that in reality grief stays the same size while we grow around it by enlarging our circle, enlarging our life. The images show the mass of grief staying the same size while the person (the circle) grows bigger around the loss.

In thinking about this meme and my experience, I think many of my inconsistencies were directly a result of all my energy and strength dealing with the reality of my circle, my life, being “full” of grief and loss. There was literally no room left for anything else. I also think that as my circle grows and opens up more room around the loss, there are more times where there is strength and energy left over for things other than just basic survival. There is energy for me to work on making positive changes. I feel strength at times to do more than just the bare minimum. I also know there will always be times where it feels as if the grief is taking up my full circle (but not as often or as long of a time). This feeling of energy is kind of new for me to even be able to have a desire to become more intentional in my consistency. I know this will continue to be an up and down journey to become more consistent, but I am thankful that it is even something I am able to think about doing. I am thankful my circle has grown enough to provide room, strength, and energy to focus on being more consistent in not just surviving but thriving! So, the plan is to get thoughts out of my head and written down here on a more consistent basis!

As always, Charles, my son, you will never be forgotten and will always be loved.