I Miss my Friend

Loss and grief are heavy weights to carry. Through these past four years there have been many times when the heaviness is real and oppressive. Thankfully, as these years have passed, there have been more times where the heaviness is not so fresh and overwhelming. However, this time of year is a time where the heaviness is more present more often than other times of year.

The triggers this time of year are magnified as we approach THAT day. It is hard to believe THAT day, September 9th, has been four years already. So many things bring back the memories, the heaviness, the feelings of loss this time of year. Walking out on a cool late summer morning knowing that fall is right around the corner. Looking forward to the weekend to be able to watch my beloved Sooners play some football. Getting started back to school. Seeing the leaves on trees begin to fall, knowing I’ll have to mow the yard to get rid of the leaves and not because the grass is growing. Remembering friends who took care of my lawn when I couldn’t. The feeling and pain of loss is brought back with a freshness this time of year.

This year all those same things were beginning to creep into my mind and my heart, but then a whole new level was added. I was driving home from church with Flora, when my principal called. This was a little unsettling before even answering the phone. He called to let me know one of my friends and fellow teachers, Tony, had passed away in his sleep the previous night. I taught with Tony for three short years, but spent a lot of time with him as the math staff of three math teachers at our school worked closely together. I also was able to help with a robotics class Tony started at our school. Make no mistake that when I say I helped with the class, I was there to support Tony as he provided a task so much bigger than our students had ever been presented with in school. Tony was the type of teacher and person to put his whole heart and effort to make sure his students could and would achieve beyond their dreams. He was a true friend at school that I look up to and am trying to raise my teaching to his standards. He also could be as sarcastic with things as me (which is saying a lot). The week we were able to work together this year, I will always remember saying something sarcastic enough to make him laugh!

This short four year journey of mine through grief and loss has taught me more lessons on a deeper level than I can even comprehend or even understand right now. One new lesson that I am learning over the past few weeks is that grief and loss of others bring more acute pain to me now as I feel my loss. The loss of others takes me back to losing Charles and the pain of that moment knowing he was gone. I feel so deeply for those who are still here on this earth and the fact their journey is just beginning. That has made losing my friend so hard.

Also, I am finding this year how hard it is to layer losses on top of each other. Dealing with a new loss while still learning to grow and move on with a previous loss has thrown me for a loop this fall. The loss of my friend has made my feelings during this time of year and missing Charles much fresher than in the past couple of years. However, as I am learning each day, dealing with grief and loss is all about growing with this loss because the loss and grief do not shrink or lessen over time. Growing and moving forward. What changes is not the lessening of our love for and the missing of those who are gone, but the growth of ourselves into this new version of who we are.

I know this time of year will be filled with the haunting memories of the call from Jess while I was already in the hospital saying she was heading to the hospital knowing what we would find out. The horror of only being on the phone when we told the girls their little brother was gone. The pain of hopelessness and physical weakness were overwhelming. I now know that the loss of my friend will be a part of my grief journey and will be a part of my growth through loss, especially this time of year. This time of year will always be a heavier time of year than others, now heavier with the loss of my friend. But I will continue to grow each and every day as I learn to move forward with this loss, being so very thankful for the hope of my son and the memories with my friend.