Be a Show-up Person

by Tim Scifres

I recently found these thoughts I had written down around the beginning of 2022 a few months after Charles was born sleeping. I can honestly say my thoughts have not changed much in the last almost three years. I hope these thoughts encourage us all to show up for those who have experienced loss…

Grief and struggles are opportunities for growth. As awful as the past few months have been for my family and me, there are thoughts just beginning to creep into my mind of the opportunity being presented to me. As broken as I have felt and still feel, thoughts of the growth that comes from brokenness are making small appearances in my mind. The lessons being presented are some of the hardest I have ever faced but could result in more growth than at any other point in my life.

There has been an overwhelming outpouring of support for my family over the past few months as we have been traveling through the depths of despair and devastation. I am beyond humbled at how people have given so much to show us support that has been more valuable than words could ever express. Throughout this time, I have noticed some things that will give me an opportunity to become a better person.

I have seen basically three types of reactions from people so far through this journey. There has been great comfort and solace from friends and family that I expected to show up and who have absolutely shown up. Friends getting in their car at 2:30 in the morning to pick up Flora and Lilyana as Jess was going to the hospital without even being asked. Neighbors helping with the girls before our friends showed up. A neighbor going to the hospital to sit with Jess for hours because I was upstairs in the same hospital already. My sister flying out without even asking if she should come. My brother and sister-in law coming up from Tennessee to help out however they could and to just be there for Jess until I got to come home from the hospital. Family and friends cleaning so we all came home to a spotless house inside and out. There are too many of these instances to recount here. My relationship with these people will forever be closer and deeper as I know they can be counted on in our darkest hour.

Another group of people that have brought incredible comfort are those who unexpectedly showed us great generosity in reaching out to us. These friends have sent so many touching and thoughtful notes, cards, comments on social media, gift cards, and wonderful words of comfort and encouragement. There are many in this group that I do not even know personally or have not had the opportunity to spend much time with before. I am incredibly comforted by people going out of their way to reach out to my family.

The third group of reactions are those who I expected to be by our side but have yet to show up. Honestly, I did experience some hurt for a while because I missed these friends and needed to hear from them. However, as this journey has continued, I am realizing these reactions do not need to take energy from me. I know many people just do not know what to say in times like these (just to let you know there are no words to bring comfort, but simply your presence is all a grieving person values). I do know from experience now it is uncomfortable to reach out to a broken person, but the benefit of overcoming that uncomfortableness goes well beyond anything you could imagine. Every time someone reaches out to me it brings a wonderful feeling of community and togetherness that I am encouraged beyond words to describe how much it means to me.

It has become important for me as I move forward in this journey to be a person who shows up. I know the words being said to a grieving friend are not significant, but the presence and thoughtfulness is incredibly meaningful. The gift is not terribly important, but the thought behind the gift has more meaning than can be expressed. Some of the most meaningful things have been the random texts or cards just saying you are thinking of us. Many times, in the past, I have not felt strong enough to reach out because I didn’t know what to say, or haven’t felt close enough to the person before their loss, or I just felt uncomfortable dealing with loss. Now I have learned, the only important thing we can do when reaching out to someone who has experienced loss is to simply show up. Showing up while knowing words cannot bring healing, but our thoughts and presence will mean the world to others. My goal is to be someone who shows up.