Set-up, Don’t Sabotage Tomorrow

by Tim Scifres

Use today to set-up tomorrow instead of sabotaging tomorrow.

In 1983 the North Carolina State University Wolfpack men’s basketball team who found themselves in a desperate situation as they began the ACC Conference Tournament. Their record of 17-10 was highly unlikely to make the NCAA Tournament, unless they won the conference tournament. This story is one of the legendary college basketball stories of all time. They won the conference tournament to gain entry into the NCAA Tournament, beating two top-five ranked teams in the process. Their legend grew as they won their next six games in the tournament, including one of the most memorable and legendary games in the history of college basketball. They defeated the unanimous top-ranked University of Houston Cougars (known as Phi Slamma Jamma) on a miraculous made basket as time expired. This is one of the most improbably national championship teams in the history of college basketball.

Their results are not what is on my mind now, it was their motto during the tournament run. This motto was “Survive and advance.” They were not concerned with how things looked, it was simply a matter of winning a game and moving on. Many days of my grief journey have felt like the motto the Wolfpack embraced in 1983…Survive and advance. Some days are draining and heavy with the survival thought in the front of my mind. Some days are a mixture of embracing and surviving. Some days, the survival mindset hardly makes an appearance. However, the weight of survival doesn’t ever really leave. It is ever-present.

One of the things I have learned during the grief journey is this survival instinct is an energy sucker. So much of my energy is spent surviving that by the end of many days I am just worn out and looking for some relief. Unfortunately, the default mechanisms I fall back on are not necessarily positive. I stay up too late, eat too much, scroll on my phone for no good reason. Basically, to survive the day, I sabotage and steal energy from tomorrow. I make tomorrow much harder than it needs to be. If you were a fan of the tv show Seinfeld, you might remember Jerry talking about Morning Jerry being mad at Night-time Jerry for making poor choices at night. I can tell you Night-time Tim sabotages Morning Tim far too often!

The frustrating part is that I know the right choices to make, but the wrong choices are so much easier to make at the time. I know to have a good set-up day and make good choices, it takes the entire day, while I can sabotage tomorrow in a matter of minutes. When I have a set-up day instead of a sabotage day, I know tomorrow I will feel so much better physically, which helps mentally and emotionally. Just like I can feel the sabotage of yesterday the minute I struggle to try to get up and get out of bed. I have not yet found the energy or the tools to stack several of the set-up days together before having a sabotage day.

Honestly, I am thankful to even be having thoughts about making good choices consistently. Having the desire to use today to set up tomorrow is a step in a good direction. Jess and I both have also learned to be more patient with ourselves after some days where we have sabotaged tomorrow. We know the difficulty of this journey, the newness of this journey (I don’t think 2 and a half years is very far along the journey), combined with the difficulty of just living life takes a toll. We know all we can do is what we can do.

What kind of day are you having today? What kind of choices to you need to steer yourself towards to foster a day to set-up tomorrow? When are the times and where are the situations you know lead to sabotaging tomorrow? How can you stay away from those times and situations? How do you respond to the day being sabotaged by yesterday?

These questions run through my mind many times each day. I am still searching for answers and the tools to implement consistently in my life. While definitely not anywhere close to perfect, each day is an opportunity to take a step forward in helping to set up tomorrow for another step forward. Some days this happens, some days there is some sabotaging that happens, and some days there is a lot of sabotaging that happens. The key is to start every day with the idea of making choices for that day and to help myself set up tomorrow.