Grief is Like a Spider Web

by Tim Scifres

Throughout this journey of over four years now, grief has been described in some powerful ways to me. One of the most powerful was realizing grief is like a rogue wave in the middle of the ocean in the middle of the night. I have felt like that was a very appropriate and one of the most accurate pictures of grief…until last week.

Last week was the anniversary of having Charles taken from us. I have and always will take some time off from school around this somber anniversary. This year during my time of reflection and the rawness that comes with a few significant dates, I was home from school and trying to be a good husband and help with some things around the house so I took the trash out, without even being asked! This is something I normally take care of, usually after a reminder, and have done hundreds of times in the ten or so years we have been in our current house. I was almost to the trash cans, when I ran into it…a spider web between my house and my wonderful neighbor’s house. It was a couple of strands smack dab across my face. If this has happened to you, you understand the process of dealing with an unexpected spider web across your face. First is wondering where that came from, for a microsecond. Then for me it quickly goes to the utter panic of checking to make sure that massive spider (the only way I can picture a web like this is with a massive spider making it) is not literally about to bite the everlasting goodness out of me!! After realizing the spider was probably not on me, I finally got the trash into the trash can. Then came the seemingly long process of trying to get the web off of me. I would get a strand of web off my face, then flail my hand around like a lunatic trying to shake the web off, to no avail. Then I was reaching for more web stuck in my hair and shaking it off my hands simultaneously. The activity stretched on for probably less than a minute (although it felt like a freaking eternity). Finally, after some tense and frustrating moments, I felt free from the web.

Thinking about this spider web made me think about how grief can sneak up on us at any second. In my mind, one of the differences between a rogue wave and a spider web can be how long the web stays with me. It seemed like a long process to move past the spider web, just like those days my grief and loss completely sneak up on me in a flash, but then stick around for a while. These webs tend to show up when I am completely unprepared. It was a nice day outside last week when this particular web entangled me. I had no thoughts of looking for a spider web, although now I move my hand up and down between the houses to try and keep it out of my face.

It seems, at times, that the feelings of rawness and heaviness can be spread out farther apart more than when this journey first began. I am convinced that for those who are grieving a significant loss, we will grow and strengthen ourselves to carry the grief and move forward. I don’t believe the grief becomes less, because my love for Charles has not become any less than it was when feeling him kick around the womb and the visions of hope in what he would be like. This loss is a tribute to how important Charles was to me, even before being born. The only way to move forward is to grow around the grief. Carry the loss with you as the heaviness seems to lighten, which in reality is the strength you gain to be able to carry the heaviness.

However, there are those moments when the web of rawness and heaviness takes over our journey, wraps itself around us, refusing to be shaken off without a struggle, sticking itself to us in any way it can. After four years on this journey, knowing those times are coming and knowing those times won’t stay so raw and heavy forever is a comfort. Knowing the rawness, heaviness, and pain is a tribute to how much Charles meant to me, knowing how deep my love is for him to this day, doesn’t make the pain lessen or make it easier, but makes it bearable for those times of heaviness.

Those on a journey with loss learn that even though the hidden spider webs are waiting for us to run through them, there is a time coming when we can shake the web from us. Similarly, when those times come that take us back to the rawness of our loss, when we are taken back to the moment of our loss, we learn there is a time coming when it will not feel as raw and new. We learn, out of the necessity of survival, that we become strong enough to work through these unexpected raw times to move forward with our growth and our life. Thankfully, the “spider webs” seem to be spread out a little more the longer we are on the journey. Also, thankfully, there are those times the “spider webs” don’t completely disappear but still show up to make sure our lost one(s) are still with us and our love for them is still strong. They deserve that from us.