I am Already Thinking of Him

by Tim Scifres

Christmas of 2022 was a special time for me and my family. We were able to spend it with my parents and family in Oklahoma. My family has been very supportive of Jess, the girls, and myself. They have been there for us in every way they could.

My mom grew up in a house where her dad played Santa around town. It was a big time of year in her household. Christmas was celebrated to the hilt. My mom has carried that love of the Christmas season on in our house while I was growing up. Over the years she ended up with Christmas trees and decorations for every room in her house. So when I get to bring my girls to OK for the Christmas season, it is a special time for all of us.

When we made the trip to OK for Christmas in 2022, everyone was beyond excited and looking forward to being together. My mom made sure to have a candle to light every night in honor of Charles, just like we do at our house.  This particular year, we were able to get some great family pictures with all of my sister’s kids being home and my girls being there in OK. After a few pictures of the obligatory and special family pictures were taken, my sister or my mom (not sure which one) made a point to get a picture of Charles so he could be part of the picture (I am in tears now thinking of this special time, even almost three years later). At that point, both Jess and I got very emotional missing our boy and being able to picture him being the star of the show.

I could tell it was a little uncomfortable for everyone as we worked through the emotions of that moment. My sister made a comment about being sorry and not wanting to do something wrong. I remember telling her that she had done everything right. It was so special for me to have someone be intentional to include Charles in the only way he could be included, with a picture.

Being on this loss journey since 2021 has taught me so many things about grief, living with loss, and moving forward to a life with only hopes of what I can picture for Charles and what he would be doing. So many people also carry memories of special times they were able to have spent with their loved one.  I know how hard it is for people to feel comfortable bringing up those that have been lost. I understand this as people, in our nature, struggle with loss and being sensitive and open with those who have experienced loss. Human nature doesn’t want to deal with mortality and loss of others because it reminds us of our own mortality. This makes it difficult and uncomfortable for people to bring up loss with others. In spite of the difficulties of dealing with loss, I am convinced many people are trying to be sensitive to the difficult conversation with one that has experienced a great loss because they don’t want to remind us of the loss or to make us sad for our loss.

I would like to make sure people know that you cannot make me more sad by bringing up Charles. He is always right there in my mind. It is actually special when people bring him up to me. Now, when you bring him up, be prepared for the range of reactions you might experience, including bringing a smile to my face as I picture Charles doing things a boy his age might be doing. It might bring tears and emotion as I feel the weight of his absence. It might bring a somber reflection as I ponder my boy and things a boy and his dad might be doing together. 

However, no matter the emotion that comes out, one thing you can count on is that bringing Charles up to me will always bring gratitude that you remember him, and this is gratitude from the depths of my being. I can promise you I will be appreciative that you cared enough for Charles and me to keep his memory alive.  It will be special for me to share a moment with you remembering my little Sooner Buddy. I can also promise you that bringing up Charles is not going to make me sad, because the loss and grief is with me in every step. In reality, I am going to say thank you for honoring Charles by talking about him.