Move the Shadows Back

by Tim Scifres

Grief is ever present in the lives of those dealing with great loss in their lives. I speak from experience as the grief of losing Charles is like a monster hiding in the shadows who is always lurking, looking for a moment of vulnerability to overtake me. I never know when this is going to happen, like a couple of nights ago watching a tv show had me breaking down into tears as I continue to deal with never being given the chance to have my boy with me. I also know there are times when it seems as if those shadows can be pushed away and seem barely present at all. I am thankful for those times of things feeling lighter for a while. Many of those times seem to center around my wonderful wife, Jessica, and our two incredible daughters, Flora and Lilyana.

Jess and I are continually amazed at how our daughters have showed us their strength and determination as they are growing up. They both have accomplished so much, while dealing with their grief and loss of a brother they were both excited to take care of as only big sisters would have been able. One thing I absolutely love to do is watch them perform through dance, theater, music, or sports. The heart, passion, and excellence they pursue brings out a lot of pride and positive emotions for Jess and I.

These performances have become even more important for me ever since that day in which we were all forever changed. They bring a lightness for a little while. Watching Flora and Lilyana perform these last couple of years seems to be a time when the shadows seem a little further away. For a few moments, I can get lost in watching them while experiencing such a different type of emotion than when the monster in the shadows jumps on me. Those who have known me a long time might have a hard time picturing this, but my tears flow pretty freely these days. In fact, I am tearing up just picturing Lilyana at her flag team performance a couple of weeks ago. I am blinking back tears I know are going to flow watching Flora’s performance in her latest play tomorrow night. I rarely watch them without some tears coming, but the fantastic thing is these tears are coming from emotions like pride, enjoyment, thankfulness, pride, amazement. Did I already say pride? The reprieve of getting lost in watching my daughters shine is beyond words and are moments that I truly welcome.

It has been so important to have opportunities come into my life that give times of happiness and fullness. The weight of this new life is never gone, but having times where the load seems lighter is so precious. The monster is always present in the shadows, but when the shadows are pushed back is like a breath of fresh air. You can bet that I will be at as many performances as I possibly can, tearing up at each and every one of them, smiling while watching my girls shine.

The shadows will always be there, ready to pounce at any moment. However, I can only hope anyone reading this, while dealing with a loss, has someone or something in your life that brings some light to push those shadows back for a while. I am thankful Jess, Flora, and Lilyana have been so bright to chase the shadows away so often. It is beyond comforting to have those times where the light of things in this world are able to move the shadows back, even if only for a little while.