I was Supposed to be the Protector

Growing up I had a wonderful example of a man striving each day to provide for and protect his family.  While my dad was not perfect (and who has ever been perfect), that is not what husbands and parents should be trying to model and show their families.  Perfection is not possible for us.  I did have a dad who was striving every day to provide a comfortable life where we had every physical thing we needed.  He was loyal to my mom and us, and in his own way fought fiercely for us every day.  The more I move into my journey with my family, I can look back and see so many ways my dad was trying to protect us and be the shield that took all of the arrows life shoots at us.  I will always be grateful for this example.

In my own journey, I have solemnly taken this model to heart and tried everyday to be a shield and protector for my wife and my kids.  This job has been on my mind everyday since that wonderful wedding day celebrating my love and devotion for Jess, then those two days I will never forget being able to hold my two precious daughters soon after they were born.  Those times are core memories for me that will never fade.  But that commitment was and is still tested beyond anything I ever expected on that fateful night of September 9, 2021.  I had been in the hospital a couple of days thinking about each breath.  Struggling to get to the bathroom and back before I was gasping for air.  Thinking about getting better and getting home to help with Jess who had been sick with covid also.  That all changed after getting the call from Jess about her coming to the hospital knowing my precious son Charles was already gone.  I could hear it in her voice.  

There are so many emotions that I could never express them all in this format, but the one that has stuck with me was feeling like a failure as the protector for my family.  I want to make sure to communicate that I fully believe that God in His Sovereign plan never makes mistakes.  This is the greatest comfort I have taken in these past months.  Knowing that there is nothing anyone could have done to save my boy, because our Creator is in complete control and His Plan has been perfectly put in place from the creation of this world to the very second you read this.  His Plan will perfectly continue each and every moment for the rest of the time this world exists.  

However, this knowledge does not stop the emotions from coming.  Knowing I was laying in a hospital bed while my wife was going through so many hours of labor to birth the body of our boy.  I could not be there by her bedside holding her hand.  Knowing that my daughters had to be so incredibly brave and let the EMT’s in the house in the middle of the night.  I should have been there to do that.  As a man who takes steps each day to be the protector, my family was on their own that night.

Learning about grief and how truly all-encompassing it is over the past months has shown me what a constant force it is.  Grief is like water washing away rock.  Do you know that it is estimated Niagara Falls has eroded from Lake Ontario to Lake Erie almost 11.5 kilometers (which is over 7 miles) over the past 12.000 years?  What an incredible and constant force!!  I feel grief is a similar incredible and constant force for all of us who are dealing with great loss.  Grief is looking for any and every crack in our lives to seep into and try to wear us away.  Those cracks can be small at times and those cracks can be massive at times, but grief is always there (even when we don’t sense it at times).  

Not that I ever will try to give answers in my writings, but I will give honesty.  The honesty I am comforted with in my life is that in my desire to protect my family, I forget the true Protector is the only one to bring peace and comfort to me and to my family.  I can only hope and pray He will wrap His loving arms around my family to be the Protector we desperately need every step of every day.  Also, I can only hope that those of you suffering loss have that special something in your life that can bring peace and comfort above and through the emotions of this incredible and constant force of grief with which so many of us are taking with us every step of every day.  I especially think of all you men who are battling these emotions of failure in protecting your family or those emotions of what you could have done more and better to be there in a time of loss for your family.  It is grating and constant for me and I know how hard it can be to grieve as a man.

Feel free to reach out to me at everystepwithgrief@gmail.com if you need to share or to vent.  I would love to be an outlet for you as we all learn how to take every step with grief.

Tim